Sorry to disappoint you, but there are no flowers, chocolate or secret strategies for making Valentines Day a more romantic occasion. In fact this post is more about your brain than your heart. I am forever indebted to my friend Brad Sprague who sprung these on me while steaming wallpaper off his wall together many years ago! This framework literally changed my life.
Relating to the opposite sex can be confusing and exciting at the same time. In our current culture we are in an especially confusing time in terms of men and women relationships. We’d like to offer you a different approach. This is a process that applies to all relationships with the opposite sex and will take you from the first introduction to the altar. Each or these levels build upon each other, but each relationship moves at its own pace. However, knowing where you are in this process is important because there is an appropriate level of verbal and physical communication that fits each level. So here it is…
Respect – This should be the foundational level of all our relationships. Because we are created in the image of God ( Genesis 1:27, 9:6) we are each given value and dignity, and therefore worthy of respect. Not that everyone acts respectable, but we give unconditional respect out of our respect for our Creator.
Admiration – When we spend time around guys and girls, we naturally notice each other, and a person’s character is on display. You will likely notice qualities in the people you spend time around that you admire. (2 Timothy 3:10-11) Our natural approach is to notice whether a girl or guy is physically attractive, but admiration puts the focus more on WHO the person is rather than how they look. You probably will be hanging around many friends of the opposite sex who have many positive qualities. What are some attractive character qualities that tend to stand out to you in friends you currently spend time around?
Interest – This is admittedly the most awkward phase of relating to the opposite sex. As you spend time around friends of the opposite sex, you may develop a desire to dive a little deeper into certain relationships. You may even be attracted to more than one person at this level. The temptation is to allow expectations to take off, accelerating the awkwardness, especially when your interest isn’t shared by the other. Here is where trusting God is your anchor, and honest communication is your friend. (Matthew 6:25-34 – Trusting, Ephesians 4:25 – honesty, I Cor. 14:8) The tendency is to rush through this level, but this is the level where you have the opportunity to gain more insight into each other while keeping physical communication in the background of the relationship. Companionship is the first side of a healthy relationship triangle you build with the opposite sex.
Affection – This is the level of relationship where physical attraction is shared and passions stir. It is also the level where your relationship becomes more exclusive. But this is built upon the foundation of the other levels, not the other way around. Most dating relationships in our culture work from the opposite direction, beginning with physical attraction and often end when you actually discover the book isn’t nearly as attractive as the cover. Affection is the level where companionship and passion connect, and where there are lots of opportunities for relationship train wrecks to happen! I Thes. 4:1-8 is a clear word on God’s will in this stage… This is also a level where the relationship can stall, especially if you get to this point early in life. Creativity will be required to keep the relationship from imploding or becoming trapped in routine and boredom.
Love – This level completes the triangle with commitment. Love is the level where you declare to each other, “forsaking all others, I do”. The word “love” isn’t a throw away word. It communicates powerful images and devoted attention to the relationship that is different from all the other levels. I Cor. 13 is the classic passage on love, but Col. 3:12-14 gives us more clarity as well.
The point of introducing you to these levels is NOT to take the mystery or fun out of relationships, nor to create convenient boxes for people, but to help you identify and clarify relationships through a common language and mutual understanding. Remember the word INTENTIONAL! This principle is applicable to your dating relationships as it is to all other significant relationships.
